If there is one thing that is perhaps THE MOST challenging struggle about becoming a parent, it’s sleep. In all aspects, whether it’s your lack of sleep, having to wake up and constantly check on the baby, or your little one just won’t sleep on their own, it all is extremely tiring! Not only are the first two months a tremendously difficult learning curve of becoming a new parent, it also means the least amount of sleep for you.
There are some philosophies out there that say you can sleep train a baby right away as long as you are consistent. In my opinion, I think that’s a load of crap! If you are able to do that with your baby, then you are one of the lucky ones, and good for you! If you are like the rest of us and are struggling, confused, exhausted and at your wits end as to what to do about your baby and their sleep, then these steps are for you. Enjoy the wisdom!
I was incredibly lost when it came to sleep training. I felt like every book I read, every internet search I did, and each of my friends I talked to were all contradicting one another. For example, when to actually start sleep training? Should I let the baby cry it out or go to them immediately? How many naps should they be taking? Do I try to put them on an actual sleep schedule and wake the baby up on purpose or let him sleep? How do I create a different sleep routine for naps and night time? And HOW in the world do you put the baby down “drowsy” but awake? I had SO many questions and I had no idea what was right and what was wrong. I desperately needed help!
The Holy Grail!
A wonderful friend of mine who had a baby a few months before me recommended a sleep book that literally was a game changer! Let me introduce you to your new best friend, “The Happy Sleeper” by Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright. Not to sound overly dramatic, but this book changed my life and gave me back my sanity!
I LOVE this book and the way it is written. It is incredibly easy to read, and isn’t dense like most other books. It comes with pictures and charts to help show examples of sleep schedules, strategies, and methods. The chapters cover the entire age range from birth to six, go over EVERYTHING you could possibly need to know about sleep, and explain everything very simply, in easy to understand terms. I just love how easy the book is to read and the way it’s laid out, because, let’s be honest, reading thick textbooks is the last thing you want to do when you’re sleep deprived and just need help with your little one’s sleeping habits!
Your Saving Grace!!
Now to introduce the actual sleep training method: it’s called the “Sleep Wave,” and it is exactly how we accomplished putting our baby to bed and sleep training him in ONE NIGHT! Yes, I am not kidding, it only took the first night, and then he was good to go. Now, you have to recognize that every baby is different, and for some people it may take more like two, three, or five nights, but truly this works fast!
First of all you need to understand that a baby’s development plays a huge role in sleep training. Like I said before, if you were able to train your baby at a young age, then bravo to you. But realistically you will probably have to wait until they are about 5 months old and are neurologically and physiologically capable of self-soothing. You could start this with a 4 month old if you think they are ready, or wait until they are 6 months old, but 5 months is generally the most optimal age to start. And why wouldn’t you want to? The sooner the better! We started when my son was 4 and a half months old and we felt confident he was ready after assessing his development and setting ourselves up for success.
In order to know whether your baby is ready or not, there are specific factors to consider when preparing for sleep training. First, it is very important to be sure your baby is able to roll over from back to tummy and tummy to back before sleep training or giving them any objects to sleep with because of the risk of SIDS. They need to be able to adjust their position themselves should something get in the way of their face or breathing.
The next thing to keep in mind if you’re going to start sleep training is that the baby should be moved into their own room away from you and your bed or room. Your baby also needs to be sleeping in their own crib. Not a bassinet or anything else for safety purposes; a real crib. If your baby is doing all these things then your chances of effectively sleep training will increase immensely.
The 4 Steps
Step 1
The first thing you want to do is introduce a transitional object called a “lovey.” This is a small piece of fabric or blanket. This is what your baby will become attached to and use for self-soothing when you are not around. Now, every time you feed the baby, bring the lovey with you and keep it while you are feeding. Try to rub the soft fabric on your baby’s face and start making the association for your baby that this item is what they feel when they are in their happy place feeding with you and being soothed. It also helps to get your scent on it, so maybe keep it in your shirt for a day, or sleep with it at night.
Next, every time you put the baby down for sleep, whether it is for a nap or nighttime sleeping, have the lovey there in the crib ready for them to glom onto. I kept ours in the crib during naps for my baby to discover, and then would use it during the feeding just before bedtime to have as soon as he laid down in the crib. It also helped as part of our routine to distinguish the difference between being put down for a nap vs. bedtime.
Step 2
The second thing you will want to do is to come up with whatever your “script” is going to be every time you put the baby down for sleep. The script is the short and sweet phrase you will say that lets your baby know you are saying good night and will be leaving them. It is very important that you and your partner or whoever is putting the baby down says the script EXACTLY the same every single time! Word for word! For example, in our home our script has been, “We’re here, we love you, sweet dreams.” Just three short phrases that are easy to remember and cover the bases of a simple goodnight.
When you put the baby down and say the script, you should be putting them down drowsy but awake. This was the thing I struggled with the most! My baby would fall asleep while feeding and I would very cautiously put him down as if he were a bomb about to go off, and often he would and it was terrible! Many tears were shed on both sides. But with the Sleep Wave method you want them to be awake. You don’t want them to be asleep.
If they are starting to fall asleep on you then immediately put them down. They may wake, or they may not, but say the script regardless and walk out of the room. When you say the script it is VERY important not to touch the baby once they are laid down. Also, do not linger, or say any other words. You should say the script and walk out of the room in about 7-10 seconds.
Step 3
Now, for the hardest part of all: the crying. Your baby WILL cry! They are SUPPOSED to cry. The moment you walk out the door, they are going to cry their head off and it is the hardest thing in the world as a parent to listen to your baby cry. But you MUST resist the urge to respond to this crying. If you go in the room right away to respond to their cries, then you have just confused them, given them a crutch for sleeping (you), and are not helping build their success to be able to self-soothe.
Now here’s the REALLY hard part: you wait for 5 minutes. I suggest setting the stopwatch on your phone or an alarm, but either way you need to let them cry for 5 minutes. This is helping to build their self-soothing skills. This is not the “cry it out” method. It is simply a small amount of time that your baby can handle being by themselves to help learn self-soothing skills.
Here is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to know about this step: you only go in if the baby is ACTUALLY crying for those 5 minutes. If your baby is just “protesting” and making noises, grunts, whines, etc., then you do not go in and the 5 minutes starts over. You only will go in if they are truly crying for 5 minutes straight. It is hard, but you are giving your baby a chance to become independent.
You want them to be able to sleep on their own. You NEED them to be able to sleep on their own. And most importantly, they CAN sleep on their own, if you give them the support they need. Your baby is not in any pain, they are not in any danger, you are not a bad parent, and your life needs to NOT revolve around your baby setting the conditions of sleep in your house.
Step 4
After the longest 5 minutes in the world is up, you can go in, but you DO NOT touch or pick up your baby to soothe them. That is the whole entire point! It is CRUCIAL you get in and get out. All you’re doing is showing up so they can see you from their crib and know you exist and did not abandon them. Then you are going to say your short script once more and leave again. And once again, they will cry and cry and cry, but you do this a handful of times and eventually they just fall asleep. But with each time you put your baby to rest, it will become less frequent the number of times you have to go in and say your script. Soon they will be able to just be put down and fall asleep all on their own. Then, voila! They are able to self-soothe! 
IF you MUST pick your baby up, then I suggest you change their diaper, and possibly feed them as well. This way you know that when they are crying, it is not because they are wet or hungry. They just miss you.
And that is how you sleep train your baby to sleep through the night, or mostly through the night. I would still do one night feeding with my son up until he was about 8 months, because then he really did just sleep through the night without waking. There is SO MUCH more in this book and it explains the “Sleep Wave” and other sleep related issues much better and in more detail than I have included here. Truly it is amazing!
Lastly, remember that every baby is different and one thing that works for one baby may not for another. This is no different. There is no one-size-fits-all magic solution, but I can say that this does help your baby develop independence from you and not rely on you as the source of their soothing. Babies are capable of doing that for themselves, you just need to give them opportunities to learn how.
Hope this was helpful to all you sleep deprived parents! Good luck!
Wow this is awesome!!
Thanks mom!